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  • How Oscar Wilde Shows Us the Truth about Goal Setting

    Before Oscar Wilde was exposed as a homosexual and the small mindedness of his time shed him of his reputation and his freedom, Oscar was loved the world over as a playwright, poet and wit.

    Today, the world having for the most part outgrown its prejudices, Oscar has finally taken his place in history as the genius that he was.

    What defined Wilde as both an icon and an author was his impeccable wit.

    With a flick of the pen he could flip an entire paradigm upon its head, and cause us to think in a completely new way.

    A favorite “Wildism” of mine (and a rule by which I try to live my life) is “everything in moderation – including moderation.”

    How Wilde Exposed the Flaw in “Success” and “Self Development”

    Oscar Wilde served a two year sentence for “gross indecency” after his homosexual encounters were exposed.

    As he was incarcerated, he wrote an epic letter to his former lover and one time obsession, the young Lord Alfred Douglas.

    He entitled the letter “De Profundis.” You can find the full text of the letter online. It’s a harrowing but enthralling read. Invest the energy and thought and it will help you understand and make the most out of the world much more than any self development fad ever will.

    There’s one particular section of this magnificent letter I want to bring to your attention.

    Oscar Wilde on The Artistic Life (from De Profundis)

    “A man whose desire is to be something separate from himself, to be a member of Parliament, or a successful grocer, or a prominent solicitor, or a judge, or something equally tedious, invariably succeeds in being what he wants to be. That is his punishment. Those who want a mask have to wear it.

    But with the dynamic forces of life, and those in whom those dynamic forces become incarnate, it is different. People whose desire is solely for self-realisation never know where they are going. They can’t know.”

    Let me phrase this another way:

    If you want to be something other than yourself, you may succeed, but that won’t bring happiness. The true path to fulfillment is to focus on self realization.

    Let this simmer awhile in your mind, because it’s extremely profound.

    Let’s Send Goals to Gaol.

    The Western self development industry is goal obsessed. Its focus and drive is on helping you become something. People buy books on how to become a rich businessman or a famous this or successful that.

    The trouble with external goals like these is that they don’t give you what you are actually looking for.

    If you achieve your goals, you have only given yourself what Wilde calls “your punishment.”

    Put all your efforts into becoming rich or successful in your career, and you may become so. However, that does not mean you’ll be happy.

    These external labels are alluring and society shapes itself around us to make us wear our uniforms as ourselves, forgetting that self realization and true, fulfilling happiness is a separate quest entirely.

    The Dynamic Life

    Make a concerted effort from now on to focus not only on your external goals, but also on self realization.

    This doesn’t mean you cannot set goals for external gain. Goal setting is extremely useful, but it’s just one step in the journey, not the final destination.

    If you have the courage, start consciously asking yourself whether what you are searching for is really what you want, or whether it’s just “fools gold” that won’t help you actually feel fulfilled in the long term.

    What Oscar Wilde realized was that if you spend all your time and energy trying to achieve a certain status or title, you may do so,  but that’s all you’ll ever be. If however you focus on developing as a person, and fully actualizing the essence of who you are, you can never tell what you will become, but whatever it is, you’ll be sure to enjoy the journey.

    There is no road map to self realization. I can’t point you the way. Hopefully this article serves to help you expand your thinking, and break out of the goal setting trap that seems to ensnare most of the world.

    I’ll see you soon,
    Cheers!
    Nathan Thomas

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      • Andrew

      • June 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm
      • Reply

      Nice post, Nathan. It sort of reminds me of the discussion on the “hidden hamster wheel” in Jamie Smart’s “Effortless Evolution.” Have you read it?


      • Cason

      • June 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm
      • Reply

      Awesome post man.

      But what do you mean there’s no path to self-realization?
      I’m certain there’s at least something general we can look towards – I’ve been looking towards many different things, like self-branding, pickup, meditation, self-hypnosis, personality typing, imagination, being present, etc.

      I’m still on the fence on many different things, whether it’s the “right” path or not.

      For example, focus on making money or just learning how to be present? Achieving external goals or just being happy with whatever you have? I’m sure the drive to achieve is much different in the two different cases.

      Striving to become someone / something you look up to, or just simply being “yourself” (is there even something called “yourself”? can’t personalities change?)

      Last example – Sticking to what you do “best”, or continually trying new things even if you suck at all of them (because you might just find something you love to do while trying)

      I have many questions like this, different sources give me different answers. I just don’t know where to look anymore.

      I hope you can provide me some guidance (and I hope I gave you some food for thought too :) )

      Thanks.



    • Coincidentally (perhaps), I had a very similar conversation with a client last evening. However, unsurprisingly Mr. Wilde comments are much more cogent, astute and powerful than mine were.
      Thank you for highlighting the “dangers” of goal setting. We have become so obsessed with getting something “of value” that we are forgetting to become someone of value. I have met more than a couple of unhappy goal achievers. The old saw has real truth behind it: be careful what you wish for…


      • Ayon

      • June 15, 2012 at 3:07 pm
      • Reply

      You are what is left after everything external is stripped away, and u are at ur primal state, only then can u catch a glimpse of ur true self

      that is my current zen understanding.

      btw, Nathan, u should have an integrated facebook share button. I was looking for it, as Im sure other people would have been as well


      • Abel Jimenez

      • June 15, 2012 at 9:25 pm
      • Reply

      This reminds me of a thought once thrown at someone:

      “He´s so poor that the only thing he has is money……”



    • Hello Nathan:
      Thank you for this read.
      First I want to thank you for exposing me to many awesome people who understand and do hypnosis…including youself. Once in a while I will use your metaphor during a hypnosis session…a foot getting stuck to the floor…”sometimes in life we get stuck to a certain way of thinking or a belief etc etc”. I enjoy the ease that you move forward with your hypnosis.
      All my best,
      Christopher Cody
      Tempe, Arizona



    • This is so very well put and will help me become the person I want to be, without traditional goal setting being the end-game.
      Because, the way I look at it is that the path to self-realization is a path of many different steps, all small goals, getting closer and closer, without those little goals being the actual target.
      And for myself, after 15+ years of the traditional career path, I realized that, although very successful based on traditional standards, I did not feel successful.
      Something inside told me I was not doing what was at my core, helping people.
      And then hypnosis, via a winding and interesting road, has offered me a way to do just that, help people.
      So whenever I set a goal, the goals targeted now are becoming better at that (helping people), and that is the path for me. Very clear and defined, but just a path, not the end-game.
      The rest will automatically follow.



    • Thanks for this interesting and thought-provoking post. This is how I interpret your point: having external goals (like acquiring wealth or reaching a certain position in society) may be tangible and concrete, but achieving them won’t bring lasting fulfilment because they reflect the outside world, such as other people’s approval, which is outside of our control. On the other hand, self-realization is less tangible and quantifiable, but is more likely to bring true happiness because it comes from within. Would you agree?
      I think about this a lot, about the importance of finding inner contentment and not relying on outside sources to feel validated. Then again, some people who are naturally ambitious and driven will feel that they have realised themselves by acquiring as much fame and fortune as they can, and I admire that drive. I think the distinction I would make is whether they are doing it purely for their own gain, or whether they want to help others in the process and be a force for good in the world. Then I would say balance is the key to happiness. I’m thinking of someone like Tony Robbins who has made a fortune out of helping others achieve self-realisation, but someone who clearly isn’t in it just for the money.
      This has made me think more deeply about self-realisation. Thanks again.



    • terrific blog post for hypnotherapists. I am sure that I have clients who would benefit from stories like these and I will be using it. I think I can use it even for people who want to quit smoking and lose weight not just enlarge their reading lists !



    • All that which is external is merely a reflection of the inner world. Being aware of our thoughts and how they are mirroeded back to us is one way to get to understand self, our motivations, actions, intent behind those actions and the connection that these thoughts have to the reality one experiences in every day life as moments.

      “It” reflects in our relationships with people, our families and friends, our environment…everything that is perceived through the senses. Knowing this you will realize that your present experiences had been set in motion by your past thoughts and that future event experiences were being set in motion at the very moments when you were experiencing being touched by the grace of the suns rays (in a time sense), the source, or what would normally be considered your past thoughts manifesting in a now sense.



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